Getting to Know You: Ned, the Fairy Godfather-in-training (played by Logan Lerman)

This questionnaire is for Ned – Fairy Godmothers, Inc. intern, Kate’s best friend, and a man who’s better with a happily-ever-after than he thinks he is  As always, I stuck to the same questions for the sake of fairness (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Milk. My dad was a shoemaker, so he mostly left the family’s supply out for the helper elves. It was a real treat whenever we got some for ourselves.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

Make sure the lion doesn't find eating you easier than paying his debt. – the Wise Mouse

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Reading. I am a complete nerd, and I accept this about myself.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Anything to do with company files. Fairy Godmothers, Inc. could go to a paperless office – the mirrors are all networked into the main system – but they keep the files so they can have something heavy to torture interns with.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

All interns are required to go running for 20 minutes a day, so the company won’t get held liable if we’re chased by something carnivorous before we’re a full employee. I don’t know if I really enjoy it, but I was surprised to find out that I’m pretty good at it.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

The weekends. It’s the only time of the week when Bubbles doesn't know or care where I am.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

The official company transport doors. I've been practicing and practicing with them, but I still can’t quite get the aim right.

What is your favorite body part?

Whoever wrote these questions was completely running out of ideas by this point, weren't they?

What sound do you love?              

Rellie’s laugh. Kate looks at me funny every time I say that, but it’s true.

(Note from Jenniffer: Rellie has a laugh that… well, the most polite way to put it is that it tends to make small forest creatures scatter. When we try to explain this to Ned, he gets this look on his face like he we’re speaking in a foreign language.)

Getting to Know You: Lawton, the Rogue with a Heart of Gold (played by Gabriel Mann)

He also employs spies. They make
life less boring.

This questionnaire is for Lawton, Jon’s best friend and a man who’s lethal with a witticism at 50 paces.  As always, I stuck to the same questions for the sake of fairness (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

I was never a child. I sprang into being fully grown and magnificent in every way (and  if you hear otherwise, it’s nothing more than a vicious rumor.)

What is one of your favorite quotes?

Well, I’m quite fond of several of my own bon mots, but I suspect that’s not what you mean. Barring that, I’ll have to throw my lot in with Oscar Wilde. “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

I was under the impression that this was a family-friendly blog, darling. I will say, however, that my second favorite activity is watching noblewomen knock their husbands  over with their ridiculous skirts. It’s far more soothing than bird watching.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Chores are for people not clever enough to avoid doing them. Admittedly, some things are unavoidable, but that’s the reason we pay servants.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

Staying one step ahead of everyone else. Unfortunately, that’s often as challenging as  trying to outrun a turtle, so I’ll sometimes have to give them hints simply to maintain a respectable level of challenge.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

Winter. The majority of nobility fear the cold, so they spend the season cooped up indoors making one another’s lives miserable. It’s like living in the middle of a constant theatrical production. I’m hardly ever bored.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

The company and conversation can make any form of transportation at least tolerable.  Jon, however, is the only person I will deign to go walking for.

What is your favorite body part?

My mouth. It can be used for so many lovely things.

What sound do you love?              

Suitably passionate classical music performed by a truly talented musician. It’s a sound I hear rarely, but I cherish those moments when I do.

Fairy Godmothers, Inc.: High School Edition

Yes, this is my creation as well. 

So, I was digging through my old papers one day, and discovered that my darling Kate is a bit older than I originally thought. It turns out that I wrote my first (albeit short-story version) of “Fairy Godmothers, Inc.” in high school, though it was only called “Fairy Godmother” at the time because my ability to come up with clever titles had apparently not grown in yet. Kate’s original name was Maeve, apparently (why, I couldn’t tell you), and the proto-Bubbles was named Glenda (okay, so she probably would have preferred I keep that).

            

The entire short story no longer survives, thankfully, but I thought you might be amused by an excerpt (the urge to edit while I typed it in was nearly overwhelming, but I resisted). It’s an interesting look at some of my early concepts, the way my style has refined over the years, and the fact that I am apparently a great deal funnier today than I was in high school.

           

000

           

First off, we had to deal with the dress. I conjured up Fairy Tale Confection #317 and held it out to her. She was just about to take it when she started sneezing violently. Not only sneezing, but coughing, shaking and in general acting as though she had been exposed to New York air. Yet another reaction I’ve never gotten before. This girl could set a record before the night’s out.

            

After some major scientific study (a wild guess) we found out the cause of her trauma. It was the dress. Okay, pick number two.

            

Soon, pick number two turned into pick number 52, all with the same response. Finally, Miss Cinderella over here finally decided to inform me of the little fact that she was allergic to silk, cotton, velvet, satin, all fabric dyes, lace, and roses. Of course, all Fairy Godmother brand dresses contain at least one of these items.

           

Then a horrible thought struck me. There was, way in the back, one dress that didn’t, but no self-respecting Fairy Godmother would dare use it. It was a natural colored polyester (is there a natural color for polyester?) A-line dress. The very thought made me shudder, but I had no other choice. With a heavy heart, I conjured it up.

            

000

           

I have more, if your courage hasn’t failed you yet. 

Getting to Know You: Bubbles, the Scary Godmother (played by Judi Dench)

Do not cross this fairy. She will cut you. 

This questionnaire is for Bubbles, Kate’s boss and the most terrifying Fairy Godmother you’ll ever meet.  As always, I stuck to the same questions for the sake of fairness (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Oatmeal. It’s very efficient, and I didn’t have to bother with all that sugary nonsense that my parents were always trying to assault me with.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

“It is much safer to be feared than loved because ...love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage; but fear preserves you by a dread of punishment which never fails.”

― Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Writing reports to my supervisors that make it clear what an asset I am to the company.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Dealing with idiots. Unfortunately, that has become one of my primary job duties over the last few years.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

Mental exercise is the only kind of exercise that matters. As long as you’re not obese enough to be an embarrassment to the company, doing things like jogging around in circles is simply a waste of time.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

After the employees have left for the day. As I rarely go home myself, I consider that to be my private time.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

The only transportation I find acceptable are Fairy Godmothers, Inc.-approved transport doors. With anything else, I’m forced to rely on someone other than myself to get where I’m going. There’s no way to be certain they’ll do their job competently.

What is your favorite body part?

I once incapacitated a man using only my elbow.

What sound do you love?              

Silence. It means all of my employees are out in the field earning the company money, and I have the opportunity to get some necessary paperwork done. 

Special Client

Special Client
by Jenniffer Wardell

"What the hell is this?"

"It's a script."

"I know it's a script, Frank, but what do I need a script for?" My improvisation not doing a good enough job for you?"

"No, Harry ..."

"Harriet!"

"Sorry. Of course not, Harriet. You're the sexiest voiced cross-dresser we have on staff, and I love the job you're doing. But this is for a special client."

"A phone-sex line has a special client?"

"Weird, I know. but this comes straight from the higher-ups."

"A phone-sex line has higher-ups?"

"Harriet..."

"Okay, okay. But still, why do i need a script? I'm creative -- I can treat this guy right."

"I'm sure that you can, but this one has ... special needs."

"Any more special than the guy that got turned on by egg yolks? He hung up satisfied."

A pause. "Well ... yes. Have you read the script, Harriet?"

"Not yet. But even when I do, how do i know what guy to use it for? We take names and credit card numbers, but the script doesn't include either."

"You'll know. Besides, he always calls at the same time."

"And when would that be?"

"I don't remember." A pause. "Do you know what the time difference is between here and Eastern Europe?"

"Eastern Europe?!"

"Just read the script, Harriet."

"Fine." A pause. "Night ... a huge bed ... balcony window ... black cape ... a fantasy scenario? That shouldn't be too hard."

"Keep reading."

"Nightgown -- ok ... heaving breasts -- like that's original ... a lot of neck descriptions -- unusual, but not a problem ... biting ... hey, wait a minute. Frank ..."

"Don't worry about it, Harriet. I'm sure you'll do great. Remember to compliment him on his huge, throbbing teeth. He loves that. Bye."


Click.