Short story: De-stoning

https://www.etsy.com/shop/godo

For gorgons, getting someone to de-stone whatever poor buggers tripped across them at home was somewhere between spring cleaning and a community service. Medusa had them come by once a week, rather than once a month or even once a year, which told you all you needed to know about the kind of person she was.

"Looks like you're having a pretty good week this week," Beauty said conversationally, carefully gluing the tip of a bird's wing back in place. If you did the repair work while they were stone they always seemed perfectly whole after the potion had taken effect, and she'd decided a long time ago not to think about the details too much. "I've been coming here for months, and I don't think I've ever seen the numbers this low."

It took Medusa  a little too long to respond.  "Yeah." Another pause. "It's been good."

Beauty looked up at the gorgon, the sunglasses they both wore making it harder to see the expression on her face. But she could tell that her shoulders were hunched, and the snakes were hissing quietly as they brushed back and forth against her cheeks. "What's wrong?"

Medusa hesitated. "Nothing," she said finally, trying to brush the snakes away from her face. "I'm fine. Just tired."

The snakes weren't having it any more than Beauty was. "Nope, sorry, still don't believe you." She used the eyedropper to apply the de-stoning potion to the top of the bird's head, waiting until it had transformed and flown away before straightening. "Do it for your snakes, if nothing else. They're clearly worried about you."

Medusa sighed. "They can tell how stressed I am." She curled in on herself even more tightly. "Please don't tell your boss about what I'm about to show you."

Beauty tensed. "Is this the kind of thing that could theoretically get us arrested?"

There was far, far too long a pause. "Maybe not if we found a nice judge?"

Now she had to look, if only because it was rude to leave nice people alone in the middle of a disaster. Beauty followed Medusa back into the house, her brain cycling through all the possibilities of exactly what she might be about to see. "You know the constables won't care if you turned a burglar, right? They consider it self defense, and include the de-stoning cost as part of the bail."

The utter silence from Medusa quickly dashed her hope that the problem was that simple, and she braced herself when the gorgon finally stopped at a particular closet and opened it. Inside stood the stone figure of a man with longish hair and a shocked expression she could see even through her darkened lenses.

 Beauty didn't recognize him, but it wasn't as much of a comfort as it might have been. "Who is he?" she asked, lowering her sunglasses. "An ex-boyfriend?"

"Sort of." Medusa thunked her head against the side of the door, sounding miserable. "Remember when I told you about Perseus?"

Ah. He and Medusa had dated briefly, at least until he'd tried to chop off a handful of her snakes for a quest his prospective father-in-law had sent him on and she'd found out it was all an act. If he'd tried to chop off her head, she could have had him arrested, but it turned out the law was fuzzier on the question of living hair.

"Well, that explains a lot." Beauty turned to Medusa. "How long has he been like this?"

"Three days," Medusa said, voice slowly growing more indignant. "I know I shouldn't have, but he actually offered to pay me to kill some of my snakes. Of all the--"

Beauty held up a hand to stop her. "Sorry, but I'll be able to lie better if I don't know too many details." Then she moved forward. "How far away from your house do you think we'll be able to carry him?"

000

Perseus blinked, staring blearily up at the trees and Beauty's smiling face. "Where am I?"

"In the middle of the woods, and you're lucky I found you." She put on her best "innocent citizen" expression, which had been judged moderately successful by those who didn't know her that well. "A basilisk has been seen in the area, and you must have ticked the poor thing off."

He slowly sat up, still blinking in confusion. "I don't remember a basilisk. I was... I was going to meet someone...."

So she might have dropped statue him with excessive force. The chunk from the side of his head had been surprisingly easy to glue back on. "I don't think anyone lives around here." She held out a hand. "That'll be 50 credit slips for the de-stoning."

His brow furrowed. "Excuse me?"

She shrugged. "This stuff is expensive, and the boss is going to make me account for every drop. The Enchanted Forest Service sent me out here for animals, not you."

Still in a daze, he gave her the money. The following week, she gave half of it to Medusa.

000

Note: Beauty later appears in "Beast Charming"

Getting to Know You: Beauty (the Kat Dennings edition, not the Emma Watson one)

Photo from katdennings.com

Because I like to torture my characters in small ways as well as large ones, I will occasionally make them fill out those “getting to know you” questionnaires (this one came from http://www.signupgenius.com/groups/getting-to-know-you-questions.cfm).  This one is from Beauty, one of the lead characters in my new book “Beast Charming.”

1. Who is your hero? 

My older sister, Grace. She pretty much raised me, and is definitely the reason I haven’t been arrested yet.

2. What was your favorite family vacation?

Technically, being abandoned in the woods probably doesn’t count as a family vacation, but the ogre that found us was incredibly nice. He had some absolutely hilarious stories about his grandchildren, and was really good at making cookies.

3. If you could choose to do anything for the day, what would it be?

Read. Drop me in the middle of a well-stocked library with snacks, and you won’t see me for a week.

4. What did you want to be when you were small? 

A dragon. The idea of having teeth and claws, as well as being able to fly, all appealed to me even when I was a kid.

5. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why? 

Strongly dislike, because when you work with dragons, knights, witches and sorceresses on a regular basis there’s at least a 30 percent chance the surprise will kill you. And even if it doesn’t, it usually does something like turning you green for a week. I definitely don’t recommend the experience.

6. What’s your biggest complaint about your job? 

Well, like I said – the potential for death is annoying. But not quite as annoying as getting locked in a tower with this one particular shut-in who keeps coming up with fake jobs so she can tell us all about the sweaters she knits (with her own hair, apparently – don’t ask).

7. What’s your favorite thing about your job?

It’s hard to get bored when you’re picking armor out of a dragon’s teeth one week and helping a group of dwarves baby-proof their home the next week (they’d decided to adopt a human girl. I’m hoping for everyone’s sake that she grows up short).

8. Who would you want to be stranded with on a desert island?

For company, I’d have to say Beast (I’ll admit, I’m a little prejudiced). But for practicality, I really should say Waverly – he’d figure out a way to get us both back to civilization before nightfall hit.

9. What was your first job?

Technically, it wasn’t a job, but Father would dress Grace and I in rags and sneak us into the palace to pretend we were serving girls. I’m not exactly sure what the next step was supposed to be – no matter how much he likes to think otherwise, Father really isn’t that great at planning.

10. Who is your favorite author? 

Jenniffer thinks that she’s being so clever by putting this one in here, but I’m not about to let her get away with it so easily. So I’ll say Terry Pratchett. 

Talking to people

I still don't know how to talk to strangers.

It's probably incredibly embarrassing that I'm a fully grown adult and haven't managed to figure this out yet, but I haven't yet been brave enough to ask anyone about it who might actually give me an impartial answer. See, I'm great at talking to my family and friends, because they already know exactly how weird I am. They've listened to me rant about a character who isn't doing what I want them to, or about how the dialogue in a particular movie was so terrible that it caused me physical pain, and they're still willing to associate with me.

But people I don't know well ... that's another story. I'm paralyzed every time I try to open my mouth, so used to my own eccentricities that I'm no longer sure where the line is between "Oh, how eccentrically charming" and "There's something wrong with you." I either say too much and end up looking nuts, or I say too little and sound like the most boring and unopinionated person on the planet. I've been trying to balance the two for decades now, and though I've occasionally managed to hit the sweet spot I mostly end up landing firmly in "Why did you do that?" territory.

The awful thing is that I'm a journalist, so talking to people I don't know well is literally my job. There, though, it's almost easier than it is in day-to-day conversation, since I don't have to talk about myself at all. The entire purpose of my job is to find out about the people I'm interviewing, and I'm curious enough that I'm fantastic about asking questions. The fact that I'm terrible at answering them never comes up.

So I talk to people for a living, but when I stand next to a stranger at a party I'm absolutely paralyzed. I've tried to steal from work and just ask them a ton of questions, but apparently in social situations that's weird, too. They always want to know why I want to know so much about them, and I haven't yet figured out a normal way to say "It's so much easier than talking about me."

So I'll keep guessing, and probably keep missing the balance by a mile. If you're ever one of the people caught in the crossfire, I'd like to apologize in advance.

I hope I don't scare you away.

Mapping my mind

One of the most important tasks of a map is to identify the dangerous places. Landslides, impossibly strong currents, jagged rocks – we mark down where they are, so the people who come after us can know to stay away. Some choose to venture in anyway, but the map helps them know they need to be cautious.

            There are days when my entire head seems to be a dangerous place. There are hurts so old and deep that the resulting emotional scar tissue rises up like mountains. Waves of emotion will crash into me at unpredictable moments, strong enough to send even the toughest ship off course. Monsters of panic lurk in the shadows, always ready to send their claws at my throat.

            I started mapping the inside of my head when I was in high school, trying to time the waves so I would at least know what direction they were going to toss me in. It took me years of careful, methodical study before I could predict them as well as the tides, trying to organize my life so that my tasks best suited my emotional state and forgiving myself when I couldn’t. Learning to let the water only carry me so far, and to never forget how off course I was.

            Those years added more details to the map, cautious expeditions into the thickets of fear and careful outlines of the boundaries of the pits of self-doubt. I know the shape of my scar-tissue mountains, and have carefully outlined a few careful trails that will let me navigate the foothills without getting caught in an unclimbable area or falling to my death. I have marked many of the places where panic waits, and though I can’t avoid it I am no longer surprised.

            None of this has razed the mountains, cleared the jungles or defeated the monsters waiting for me. The purpose of a map is only to identify what’s already there, leaving the choice of what to do with it to the person reading. It’s a light in the darkness, not a weapon.

            But oh, how I need that light. The world is still a terrifying place, full of uncertainty and things that want to hurt me, but over the years I have stopped being afraid of myself. I know the contours of my mind as I know few other things, and even the dangers have become as familiar to me as the walls of my bedroom. I have learned how to navigate them, and because of that they are no longer enough to stop me from exploring the wild, beautiful places my mind contains as well. Any jungle has its treasures as well as its dangers, and if you watch for them both there is no place that’s closed to you.

             I’m not quite there yet. There are still a few shadowy places that I’m not brave enough to venture in, too uncertain what I’ll find once I cross beyond the boundaries of what I know. But I will, one day.

            A map maker doesn’t like blank places.  

The body inside my head

Photo courtesy of Microsoft Office

Here’s the thing about weight loss. It doesn’t change the body you have inside your head.

Honestly, I didn’t even really mean to lose weight in the first place. I’m a bit of a pessimist, so I didn’t think it was even possible. But a few years ago I realized that I was so out of shape I no longer had the strength to take the short walks I used to enjoy so much, and I was horrified. I had always been proud of the strength in my legs, and I wanted that back.

So I started walking, which is about the only exercise I knew I would reliably keep up with. Slowly, my route increased as my energy did. Later, I realized I was probably eating enough for two people, so I tried to be a little more reasonable about my portion sizes. I found I could walk even further. I would start walking places just because I knew I could, proud at how much easier it had become.

It was a surprise when I realized I could once again fit into t-shirts and tops I had stopped wearing a long time ago. It was like I had been re-gifted with an entire half of my closet again, and I enjoyed it in much the same way I would have a surprise shopping trip.

Having people tell me I looked good was even more of a surprise, and even now I’m still not entirely sure if I believe it. I’m panicking about the shirt I’m wearing now – even though someone just complimented me on how good I looked at it an hour ago – because it touches my ribs.

It’s only the lightest touch, the kind of top people wear all the time because apparently it’s normal to want to give people an idea of what your general body shape is. This is, I’ve recently discovered, a normal thing for clothes to do. In fact, less-than-skinny people are told to gravitate towards these kind of tops, because big, baggy things only make you look larger.

But I didn’t care about looking larger, because I had given my body up as a lost cause. I had decided there was nothing I could do to make my body match the normal expectations of beauty, so I wrapped myself in large shirts as if they were protective blankets. I wanted only to hide.

Even now, when I have been told time and time again that I should be proud of what I’ve accomplished, the feel of fabric tight against my ribs feels like staggering out into the world without my protective shell.

The thing is, though, I have nothing to hide. More importantly, I never did.

So, in addition to exercise, I’m spending an equal amount of time learning to appreciate my body. I’m learning decorating it in ways that appeal to me, much the same way I take careful time finding just the right spot for the butterflies flying on my walls.  I’m enjoying not only the t-shirts that have come back into my life, but the fact that I look pretty darn good in some of them. I’m teaching my brain that feeling that fabric against my ribs is nothing to be scared of.

It feels like running into someone I’d thought was a childhood enemy, only to discover after spending time with them that they’re actually a really nice person. It’s not an easy process – old instincts die hard – but I’m finally starting to realize that my body might be a friend worth having.

There’s no amount of weight loss in the world that can make you realize that. You have to find it out for yourself. 

Guest column: Fresh Zombies

Today we're going to here from F.J.R. Tichnell, author of the upcoming YA novel "Confessions of The Very First Zombie Slayer (That I Know Of)." She's going to talk to us about the challenges of keeping zombie fiction new and exciting:

With all the zombie-related fiction out now, how do you make them seem fresh?

It's true, everyone does seem to be zombie obsessed lately, myself included. As with any trend, lots of zombie stories run together, following all the same tropes and rehashing the same material.

Thanks to the significant lead time in publishing, I had no idea while I was writing Confessions of the Very First Zombie Slayer (That I Know of) just how big this whole zombie thing was going to get by the time release day rolled around. I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon, certainly not if I don't have something new in mind to contribute, but with all the zombie fiction in existence both before and since I wrote Zombie Slayer, I still see something missing from all there is to choose from.

Cassie’s story is that something.

The vast majority of zombie fiction is written by men, about male protagonists, for a primarily male audience. That's not to say that there aren't female zombie-fic lovers -- I'm proud beyond words to be part of a healthy generation of she-geeks who don't fear the icky bits -- but we continue to be mostly an afterthought.

What zombie fiction there is that's written with a female audience in mind, particularly a teenage female audience, tends to be either unrelentingly depressing dystopia, or sentient zombie romance that isn't particularly zombie-ish.

Now, I'm a fan of a broad spectrum of horror. I like dark stuff, including serious zombie fiction, but zombies of the unromantic and non-sentient variety also have a lot of potential for silliness and humor that's only been widely explored in R-rated guy-oriented comedies.

I wanted to bring the fun of zombie slaying to new zombie geeks, especially girls. I wanted to write about a girl who can crush skulls, love a fellow human, and still crack a smile.

Zombie Slayer's categorical distinctions aside, though, the most important part of making any story fresh is not to depend on the gimmicks to make the story.

You can tell a story about zombies or about vampires or about a machete-wielding slasher, but unless you're the first person in a generation or two to use that device, you'll have just another zombie (or what-have-you) story.

There are only so many stories you can tell about zombies. People run from zombies. People hide from zombies. People do bad things because of zombie and angst about it.

The stories that stand out, other than the ones that can pull off being remembered simply for coming first, are the ones that are about characters.

Ideally, Horror, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and contemporary settings should be support and seasoning for the story of the characters' self discovery and relationships, not a crutch or replacement.

I had lots of fun with the zombies in Confessions of the Very First Zombie Slayer (That I Know of). There's plenty of brain-mashing action to go around, but at its core, it's a road trip story. It's about a group of friends working out their issues, strengthening their friendships, and coming of age together, and I hope that, as well as enjoying the zombies, readers will come to love Cassie and her companions as much as I do.

Confessions of the Very First Zombie Slayer (That I Know of) blurb:

The world is Cassie Fremont’s playground. Her face is on the cover of every newspaper, she has no homework, no curfew, and no credit limit, and she spends her days traveling the country with her friends, including a boy who would flirt with death just to turn her head. Life is just about perfect—except that those newspaper headlines are about her bludgeoning her crush to death with a paintball gun, she has to fight ravenous walking corpses every time she steps outside, and one of her friends is still missing, trapped somewhere in the distant, practically impassable wreckage of Manhattan. Still, Cassie’s an optimist. More prone to hysterical laughter than hysterical tears, she’d rather fight a corpse than be one, and she won’t leave a friend stranded when she can simply take her road trip to impossible new places to find her, even if getting there means admitting to that boy that she might just love him, too. Skillfully blending effective horror with unexpected humor, this diary-format novel is a fast-paced and heartwarming read.

F.J.R. Titchenell bio:

F.J.R. Titchenell is an author of Young Adult Sci-Fi and Horror fiction. She is represented by Jennifer Mishler of Literary Counsel and currently lives in San Gabriel, California with her husband and fellow author, Matt Carter, and their pet king snake, Mica.

The "F" is for Fiona, and on the rare occasions when she can be pried away from her keyboard, her kindle, and the pages of her latest favorite book, Fi can usually be found over-analyzing the inner workings of various TV Sci-Fi universes or testing out some intriguing new recipe, usually chocolate-related.

Confessions of the Very First Zombie Slayer (That I Know of) is F.J.R. Titchenell’s first novel. Her first novel coauthored with Matt Carter, Splinters, will be available fall of 2014.

Links:

Website: www.fjrtitchenell.weebly.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FjrTitchenell

Twitter: https://twitter.com/FJR_Titchenell

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4384865.F_J_R_Titchenell

Amazon listing: http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Very-First-Zombie-Slayer/dp/1939967309

Other details:

Confessions of the Very First Zombie Slayer (That I Know of) is F.J.R. Titchenell’s debut novel, to be released May 6^th, 2014. It is a Young Adult Horror-Comedy.

Presenting Kate, from "Fairy Godmothers, Inc."

This is Kate, my Fairy Godmother extraordinaire, as conceived by the fabulous Lettie. I especially love the official uniform, which is somehow both fabulous and exactly the sort of thing that would drive Kate nuts. Feel free to share the image, if you'd like, though please don't get rid of the attribution at the bottom. 

My portrait of Kate

I'm not a terribly good artist, but sometimes I'll draw my characters so I can get a clearer look at them. I did that for Kate soon after I finished "Fairy Godmothers, Inc." (headshot only, sorry - when I'm feeling braver I'll try a color version of those wonderfully horrible outfits). It's a photo of a rather messy pencil-and-paper portrait, but I thought you might be interested to see it.

Getting to Know You: Ned, the Fairy Godfather-in-training (played by Logan Lerman)

This questionnaire is for Ned – Fairy Godmothers, Inc. intern, Kate’s best friend, and a man who’s better with a happily-ever-after than he thinks he is  As always, I stuck to the same questions for the sake of fairness (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Milk. My dad was a shoemaker, so he mostly left the family’s supply out for the helper elves. It was a real treat whenever we got some for ourselves.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

Make sure the lion doesn't find eating you easier than paying his debt. – the Wise Mouse

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Reading. I am a complete nerd, and I accept this about myself.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Anything to do with company files. Fairy Godmothers, Inc. could go to a paperless office – the mirrors are all networked into the main system – but they keep the files so they can have something heavy to torture interns with.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

All interns are required to go running for 20 minutes a day, so the company won’t get held liable if we’re chased by something carnivorous before we’re a full employee. I don’t know if I really enjoy it, but I was surprised to find out that I’m pretty good at it.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

The weekends. It’s the only time of the week when Bubbles doesn't know or care where I am.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

The official company transport doors. I've been practicing and practicing with them, but I still can’t quite get the aim right.

What is your favorite body part?

Whoever wrote these questions was completely running out of ideas by this point, weren't they?

What sound do you love?              

Rellie’s laugh. Kate looks at me funny every time I say that, but it’s true.

(Note from Jenniffer: Rellie has a laugh that… well, the most polite way to put it is that it tends to make small forest creatures scatter. When we try to explain this to Ned, he gets this look on his face like he we’re speaking in a foreign language.)

Getting to Know You: Lawton, the Rogue with a Heart of Gold (played by Gabriel Mann)

He also employs spies. They make
life less boring.

This questionnaire is for Lawton, Jon’s best friend and a man who’s lethal with a witticism at 50 paces.  As always, I stuck to the same questions for the sake of fairness (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

I was never a child. I sprang into being fully grown and magnificent in every way (and  if you hear otherwise, it’s nothing more than a vicious rumor.)

What is one of your favorite quotes?

Well, I’m quite fond of several of my own bon mots, but I suspect that’s not what you mean. Barring that, I’ll have to throw my lot in with Oscar Wilde. “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

I was under the impression that this was a family-friendly blog, darling. I will say, however, that my second favorite activity is watching noblewomen knock their husbands  over with their ridiculous skirts. It’s far more soothing than bird watching.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Chores are for people not clever enough to avoid doing them. Admittedly, some things are unavoidable, but that’s the reason we pay servants.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

Staying one step ahead of everyone else. Unfortunately, that’s often as challenging as  trying to outrun a turtle, so I’ll sometimes have to give them hints simply to maintain a respectable level of challenge.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

Winter. The majority of nobility fear the cold, so they spend the season cooped up indoors making one another’s lives miserable. It’s like living in the middle of a constant theatrical production. I’m hardly ever bored.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

The company and conversation can make any form of transportation at least tolerable.  Jon, however, is the only person I will deign to go walking for.

What is your favorite body part?

My mouth. It can be used for so many lovely things.

What sound do you love?              

Suitably passionate classical music performed by a truly talented musician. It’s a sound I hear rarely, but I cherish those moments when I do.

Getting to Know You: Bubbles, the Scary Godmother (played by Judi Dench)

Do not cross this fairy. She will cut you. 

This questionnaire is for Bubbles, Kate’s boss and the most terrifying Fairy Godmother you’ll ever meet.  As always, I stuck to the same questions for the sake of fairness (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Oatmeal. It’s very efficient, and I didn’t have to bother with all that sugary nonsense that my parents were always trying to assault me with.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

“It is much safer to be feared than loved because ...love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage; but fear preserves you by a dread of punishment which never fails.”

― Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Writing reports to my supervisors that make it clear what an asset I am to the company.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Dealing with idiots. Unfortunately, that has become one of my primary job duties over the last few years.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

Mental exercise is the only kind of exercise that matters. As long as you’re not obese enough to be an embarrassment to the company, doing things like jogging around in circles is simply a waste of time.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

After the employees have left for the day. As I rarely go home myself, I consider that to be my private time.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

The only transportation I find acceptable are Fairy Godmothers, Inc.-approved transport doors. With anything else, I’m forced to rely on someone other than myself to get where I’m going. There’s no way to be certain they’ll do their job competently.

What is your favorite body part?

I once incapacitated a man using only my elbow.

What sound do you love?              

Silence. It means all of my employees are out in the field earning the company money, and I have the opportunity to get some necessary paperwork done. 

Getting to Know You: Jon Charming, Kate’s happily-ever-after (played by James Wolk)

Next up is Jon, Kate’s Prince Charming and the leading man from “Fairy Godmothers, Inc.” I thought it was only fair that I give him the same getting-to-know-you questions as Kate (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Whatever I could fit in my pockets that wouldn’t melt. Rupert and I would sneak down to the kitchen in the middle of the night, and while he was playing with the cake I’d fill my pockets with crackers and nuts and go off walking through the city. When I came back, I’d wake up Rupert, help him wipe off the icing, and we’d both go back to bed.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

“Take the weekend off. I promise we can manage two disaster-free days without you.” – No one’s ever actually said this to me, but I’d love to hear it.

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Arguing domestic policy. Yes, Lawton mocks me endlessly for it, but it’s the only time I can get people to listen to me without having to sign their paychecks.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Trying to understand my mother. It gives me a headache faster than anything else.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I never have enough free time to figure out the answer to this question. There’s also supposedly these magical things called “hobbies,” but I’ve never actually seen them for myself.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

Mornings. If I time it right, I get a solid hour or two of uninterrupted quiet time before Rupert and my parents wake up. Once that happens, the rest of the day is usually devoted to putting out the small disasters caused by their day-to-day existence.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

A visiting dignitary once insisted on having his personal sorcerer magically teleport me to a meeting location. Unfortunately, he explained the magical theory behind it first, and spent five terrifying minutes wondering if I was going to show up at my destination with my head on backwards.

What is your favorite body part?

Why would I have a favorite body part on my own body? I have several favorites among Kate’s body parts, but that is definitely not something I’m going to go into detail about on the Internet.

What sound do you love?              

Kate’s voice. 

Getting to Know You: Rupert Charming, the original handsome prince (played by Channing Tatum)

He may not be the sharpest knife
in the drawer, but he's polished very,
very prettily.

I had a request to hear from Rupert, the crown prince and older brother of “Fairy Godmothers, Inc’s” leading man Jon. I thought it was only fair that I give him the same getting-to-know-you questions as Kate (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Cake. The cook would make these enormous cakes for all the parties, taller than I was and big enough I couldn’t put my arms all the way around them. The adults never ate any – you have to try and not get fat when you’re a grown up – and so it would always be there after. Later that night, I would sneak downstairs and make a running leap into the side of the cake. It was wonderful.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

“Inner harmony can only come when our inner voice is in accompaniment with the outer representation of our truth.” – Dr. Abraham Sneefleupaicus

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Singing in taverns. I’ve learned most of the songs, and  the barmaids are always happy to whisper explanations for the dirty jokes I don’t always get the first time. Everybody’s generally singing along by the third song, and sometimes people will even use their tankards or axes to pound along in time to the music.  

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

I thought about doing chores for a little while, but I decided they would be far too stressful.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

Riding horses. They never ask you for conversation or try to tell you boring stories, but they always neigh in the right places when you’re explaining something to them.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

Things are always more fun after it gets dark. The people who would usually yell at you have already gone to bed.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

Walking can get very tiring very quickly, but I would still rather walk than get stuck in a carriage for hours with my grandmother. She keeps poking at me with her walking stick and asking when I’ll give her grandchildren.

What is your favorite body part?

I’ve been told I have a very heroic chin.

What sound do you love?              

Complete strangers all singing together, really loudly and probably off-key. It makes me feel happy just listening to it. 

To learn more:
http://www.amazon.com/Fairy-Godmothers-Inc-Jenniffer-Wardell/dp/0988649152

Getting to Know You: Kate Harris, Fairy Godmother Extraordinaire

The look Kate gave me when I said
she had to fill out the questionaire

Getting to Know You: Kate Harris, Fairy Godmother Extraordinaire

I finally sat Kate, the lead character from my book “Fairy Godmothers, Inc.,” down and made her answer some “getting to know you” questions (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

My mother kept buying frosted flowers because they looked good when the neighbors came over. I didn’t actually like the flowers – they tasted bitter – but I loved licking the pollen off them. Then I’d crush up the rest of the flower and sneak it into the garbage.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

“Don’t sleep your life away.” – Snow White

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Jon’s teaching me dancing, but since Jon’s what I like about it I’m not sure that should count. Other than that, I do enjoy stargazing when I have the chance – since I’m in cities most of the time, there’s not many opportunities for me to see the constellations clearly.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Having wings makes dusting a thousand times worse, especially when you have allergies. I try to get to it as early as possible, so it never has the chance to build up enough for my wings to stir it up.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I like walking, because it lets you enjoy the scenery and it means there’s nothing chasing after you looking for dinner. But I generally walk slowly enough that it probably doesn’t count as exercise.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

I like mornings. It’s quiet time where I don’t have to worry yet about all the things I have to do that day.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

Most of the dragons I’ve met are wonderful people, really. But they have a terrible tendency to show off in midair, especially to someone else who has wings, and the ones who don’t tend to forget that the person on their back is being pelted by strong winds and doesn’t have a terribly steady grip. Yes, they’ll always catch you in mid-air and apologize, but it’s embarrassing and mildly terrifying.

What is your favorite body part?

In general, or specifically my body? Well… I suppose my hands. They’re useful, and if they ever do anything embarrassing it’s my brain’s fault, not theirs.

What sound do you love?              

Jon’s voice (Yes, I know I should be embarrassed to admit that. But I’m not.)

What next? Should I make Kate answer more questions, or go on and attack some of the other characters? 

For those of you who are completely lost right now:
http://www.amazon.com/Fairy-Godmothers-Inc-Jenniffer-Wardell/dp/0988649152