UPDATED: "Beast Charming" now in audiobook format!

I’m a big believer in books being available in every possible format, whether that be print, e-book, or even audio (I’d add skywriting, but I’ve found that makes a book awkward to read). Given the number of requests I've received over the last year, I'm guessing I'm not alone in that belief.

On that note, I’m happy to announce that “Beast Charming” is finally available as an audiobook! I hand-picked the narrator, Morgan Ganahl, because listening to her is the closest you can get to having me read it to you without forcing you to listen to the number of times I say “um” or “like” when speaking out loud.”

It’s available through Audible.com, iTunes and Amazon.

Happy listening!

Night owls, sleep, and making peace with mornings

http://cliparts.co/sleeping-clip-art-free

Sleep and I have a complicated relationship.

I’ll admit, I’m much more fond of it than I used to be. Going to bed was the worst kind of chore when I was a kid, somehow worse than doing dishes or even weeding the garden. I had to lie there, close my eyes and do absolutely nothing, because if I talked or read or sang that meant I wasn’t sleeping. I thought that sleeping was the most boring thing in the entire world, and I resented giving up every second my precious evening I had to give up in order to sleep.

Now, though, there are some nights when I’m utterly, gloriously relieved to collapse into bed. When I don’t have the physical or mental energy left to do more than stare at walls (or late night television, which is only slightly more interesting than the blank wall at times), sleep can feel like a glorious reward for a job well done.

Still, that’s only on some nights. If I have any kind of energy left, I’d much rather be reading a book, catching up on the DVRd episodes of my favorite show, or talking to a friend. Sometimes, I’d even rather be cleaning, because there are some nights when 1 a.m. feels like the perfect time to scrub the sinks or sweep the kitchen floor. You might question the sanity of the thought the next morning, but it’s hard to argue with the fact that your house is now slightly cleaner

Like many night owls, I’ve even made my peace with having to be functional the next morning. We have all kinds of tricks to make it through the first half of the day, most of which involve snooze alarms, large amounts of caffeine, and trying to arrange your schedule so you don’t have to do any complicated thinking until after noon.

You also get good at narrowing your sleep schedule as far as you can get away with, sneaking out a few extra minutes of consciousness anywhere you can. I’ve gotten really good at knowing exactly how much sleep I need to be a reasonable facsimile of a human being, and mostly try to stay in that general area. As long as I sound relatively coherent, no one seems to notice.

The thing is, though, that I notice. Living like this means that, while I get to keep my nights, I’m sleepwalking my way through at least half my morning. There’s a lot of stuff you miss when you’re only at 50 percent capacity, or even 75 percent, and most of that are those nice-but-unnecessary things that help make life worth living. I’m convinced that nights are better than mornings, but what if that’s because nights are the only part of my life I’m fully awake for?

So maybe I’ll start considering sleep a priority instead of an annoying chore I’m forced to do. I don’t want to give up my nights completely, but if I hand over a little bit of them – by going to bed at midnight instead of 1:30 a.m., maybe – then maybe I’ll have a little more brainpower to experience my morning with. Only then will I really be able to judge whether sunlight is worth all the fuss everyone else seems to make over it.

Don't just dream, write!

Writing is hard. There are millions of books, essays, blog posts, letters, diary entries and online rants going into detail about how hard it is. We’re creating worlds here, taking little squiggles of ink and pixels and making them into entire living, breathing worlds, and it takes all of our blood, sweat and tears to make it happen. We’ve got to wrestle with characterization, dialogue, plotting, timing, interpersonal relationships, symbolism and any number of things that Literature teachers spend years talking about.

            

The biggest challenge, though, is getting started in the first place.

           

I’m a journalist by trade, and if you talk to any one of us long enough you’ll find out that most of us have a novel we’ve always meant to write. The same is true of Tumblr and online message boards, where fans come up with a whole host of fanfiction plots that they swear they’ll write or keep hoping someone will write for them.  Each and every one of them can always tell you the plot of their unwritten novel or story in exquisite detail, having spent hours, days or even years of their free time working it all out in their heads. They’re outlines even the most planning-obsessed writer would kill for.

            

And the tragedy of it all is that most of these stories will never be able to be read, because none of these people ever seem to write them down.

           

Getting that first sentence out of your head and onto the paper can be unspeakably terrifying. You’ve dragged your fantasy out into reality, and every insecurity and doubt you’ve ever had comes right along with it. The sentence sits there, lifeless, completely without the crackle and sparkle the story has in your dreams, and you want nothing more than to delete it immediately.

            

But don’t. Go on to the second sentence instead, then the third, fourth and even the fifth. Rip the scene out of you word by word and lay it down on the page. Let the characters you’ve come to know so well laugh and scream and trip all over the page. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first scene of your story. It doesn’t even matter if it’s any good. What matters is that it’s there, it’s real and you can touch it.

           

If you do this for long enough, you might get lucky and the words will start pouring out of you on their own. If that happens let it all pour out of you, not worrying if you’ve gotten a description wrong or part of the dialogue is terrible or you don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few minutes. All that matters right now is getting the words out of you and on to that page.

            

Later, you can go back and slap it all into shape. Even the most experienced writers rewrite and edit their work dozens of times, throwing away whole scenes and changing characters and redoing the ending when the first one didn’t work.

In the novel I just finished writing, I literally stumbled my way through an entire third act plot twist because I knew I needed to get from point A to point B but I had no clue how to get there. Later, when it was done and I could see the entire story arc laid out in front of me, I went back and rewrote that whole section exactly the way it should have been.

The truth is, no one’s first draft is very good. But if you never write that first draft, you’ll never get to the second (and the third, fourth, fifth, etc.). And, more importantly, you’ll never get to that moment when someone reads your story and tells you how grateful they are that it was out in the world for them to find. 

Getting to Know You: Jon Charming, Kate’s happily-ever-after (played by James Wolk)

Next up is Jon, Kate’s Prince Charming and the leading man from “Fairy Godmothers, Inc.” I thought it was only fair that I give him the same getting-to-know-you questions as Kate (which I borrowed from http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/).

*Minor spoilers*

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Whatever I could fit in my pockets that wouldn’t melt. Rupert and I would sneak down to the kitchen in the middle of the night, and while he was playing with the cake I’d fill my pockets with crackers and nuts and go off walking through the city. When I came back, I’d wake up Rupert, help him wipe off the icing, and we’d both go back to bed.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

“Take the weekend off. I promise we can manage two disaster-free days without you.” – No one’s ever actually said this to me, but I’d love to hear it.

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

Arguing domestic policy. Yes, Lawton mocks me endlessly for it, but it’s the only time I can get people to listen to me without having to sign their paychecks.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Trying to understand my mother. It gives me a headache faster than anything else.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I never have enough free time to figure out the answer to this question. There’s also supposedly these magical things called “hobbies,” but I’ve never actually seen them for myself.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

Mornings. If I time it right, I get a solid hour or two of uninterrupted quiet time before Rupert and my parents wake up. Once that happens, the rest of the day is usually devoted to putting out the small disasters caused by their day-to-day existence.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

A visiting dignitary once insisted on having his personal sorcerer magically teleport me to a meeting location. Unfortunately, he explained the magical theory behind it first, and spent five terrifying minutes wondering if I was going to show up at my destination with my head on backwards.

What is your favorite body part?

Why would I have a favorite body part on my own body? I have several favorites among Kate’s body parts, but that is definitely not something I’m going to go into detail about on the Internet.

What sound do you love?              

Kate’s voice. 

Cast your perfect “Fairy Godmothers, Inc.” movie!

www.freestockphotos.biz

We’ve all had it happen. They finally make a movie of our favorite book (or comic book series), and we stalk the Internet for every scrap of information. Then the cast list comes out and… him? They pick him? Or her? They don’t look anything like [insert name of character here]! What were these people thinking?

Well, we’re about a million years away from even the possibility that there might one day be a “Fairy Godmothers, Inc.” movie, but I believe in planning ahead. I want your dream casts, people. What actors/actresses do you see stepping into the shoes of Kate, John, Rellie, Bubbles and the rest? I’ve speculated about this question on a blog or two, but I’d really like to know how you guys see the characters in your mind’s eye.

Do your best to give me the full cast – I’d really love to hear who you guys suggest for Ned and Jon’s mother. You can e-mail me your list at jennifferwardell@gmail.com, but I’d rather you leave it in the comments either here or on Facebook so that everyone else can get ideas or comment on your genius. If possible, also cite a movie/TV show the actor/actress has been in. None of us are afraid of Google, but it might save time if we don’t have to do it for everyone.

Depending on the responses, I’ll comb through the answers and assemble an overall dream cast that I’ll post next week (with proper acknowledgements to the genius casting agents involved, of course). I’ll also add some special recognition if anyone feels tempted to get creative with their casting – a Shakespearean version, for example (all guys) or actors/actresses from a different era.

I’d really love to hear from everyone who’s read the book. Even if you hadn’t, check out the preview at Amazon.com and tell me who you’d cast as Kate and Jon (and whatever other characters make it in).

UPDATE: Some of the winners!

Ned: Logan Lerman
http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com/2013/08/getting-to-know-you-ned-fairy-godfather.html

Lawton: Gabriel Mann
http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com/2013/08/getting-to-know-you-lawton-rogue-with.html

Bubbles: Judi Dench
http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com/2013/08/getting-to-know-you-bubbles-scary.html

John: James Wolk
http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com/2013/07/getting-to-know-you-jon-charming-kates.html

Rupert: Channing Tatum
http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com/2013/07/getting-to-know-you-rupert-charming.html

Deseret News: 'Fairy Godmothers, Inc.' shows Cinderella from the viewpoint of a quirky fairy godmother

"FAIRY GODMOTHERS, INC." by Jenniffer Wardell, Jolly Fish Press, $27.99, 350 pages (f)

In her debut novel, "Fairy Godmothers, Inc.," Jenniffer Wardell introduces us to an endearing fairy godmother.

Kate is a young, charming and marches to the beat of her own drum and is employed by Fairy Godmothers, Inc., which trains fairy godmothers to help princesses find a prince and their own happily-ever-after through a variety of levels of wish fulfillment packages that generally include a dress, ball, a prince and that ofttimes pesky missing slipper.

Kate likes to do things her own way, despite a harsh and demanding supervisor. The results are both funny and sweet.

Kate's latest assignment is to help a young lady named Cinderella, but goes by Rellie, get her happily-ever-after with the crown prince of Somewhere, Rupert Devlin Golden Montclaire Charming. But Rupert, who has been a rake of sorts, has decided to rethink and redefine his life, which makes things tricky for Kate.

Early on, things get interesting when Kate literally runs into Rupert's younger and a more responsible brother Jon and they make an instant connection. It’s easy for Jon to see she is a fairy godmother because of her wings, but Kate is unaware that Jon is a prince. Besides, she’s in the business of creating happily-ever-afters for others, not herself.

And Jon's involvement generally does help, but things get all twisted around when Rellie has ideas of her own about love and the crown prince decides to follow his heart, too.

"Fairy Godmothers, Inc." is a fast-paced and witty retelling of the age-old story of Cinderella, but there never has been a retelling such as this.

Witty dialogue and unexpected twists and turns make this an enjoyable and engaging read. At times, the humor and tone of the book are a bit snarky and mature, weaving a tale that would be enjoyed by adult and young adult readers. There isn't any offensive language, any violence is usually during an accidental magical explosion and the characters don't go beyond kissing.

Wardell has created a fantasy world filled with magic spells, potions, princes and princesses, creatures, glass slippers, intriguing family dynamics, arbitrary rules and regulations, pomp and circumstances and more. Her smart and easy-flowing dialogue does it in such a way that draws the reader in.

Utah resident Wardell has been writing for years. She is currently the arts, entertainment and lifestyle reporter for the Davis Clipper, a newspaper that serves Davis County. Wardell has received awards from the Utah Press Association and the Utah Headliners Chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists.

If you go ...
What: "Fairy Godmother's Inc." book launch
When: Saturday, April 27, 1-4 p.m.; reading and Q&A at 2 p.m.
Where: Layton Barnes & Noble, 1780 Woodland Park Drive, Layton
Web: barnesandnoble.com

Also ...
What: Jenniffer Wardell book signing
When: Saturday, May 4, 1-4 p.m.
Where: Sugarhouse Barnes & Noble, McIntyre Center, 1104 E. 2100 South, Salt Lake City
Web: barnesandnoble.com

Stephanie Abney, eternal optimist, retired schoolteacher and freelance writer, lives in Mesa, Ariz., with her husband, Jim. They have five children and 18 grandchildren. Email is sabneyfeedback@cox.net and she blogs at stephaniesaysso.blogspot.com.

To prove I'm not just making it all up:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865578623/Book-review-Fairy-Godmothers-Inc-shows-Cinderella-from-the-viewpoint-of-a-quirky-fairy.html?pg=all

The Liebster Award: More about me (and the next nominees)

First, thanks to http://fjrtitchenell.weebly.com for tagging me in the great online game called the Liebster Award (apparently, it’s sort of like a chain letter for bloggers, except there’s no implied dire consequences). If I’ve tagged you and you don’t want to play, feel free to pretend none of this ever happened.

11 Facts About Me

1. “Return of the King” is the only book I’ve read in “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy. I read it all at once the evening after I first got back from seeing the movie version of “The Two Towers,” because my mother refused to tell me if anyone I cared about died in the third book.

2. Joss Whedon is a genius, but if I ever met him in person I’d probably punch him in the face. He’s hurt too many characters I love.

3.  I like the Monkees better than the Beatles. Yes, I know how desperately uncultured that makes me.

4. When I’m tired or in a hurry, I have a tendency to call people of both genders “dude.”

5. I didn’t have a car all through college. The skills I learned then in navigating public transportation have helped me out on every vacation I’ve ever taken since.

6. I have a long-term crush on Kiefer Sutherland. If I ever met him in person, I would probably do something to destroy what little dignity I possess.

7. Given the opportunity, I will usually sit on the floor rather than a chair. This is true even in my own living room, which means that my armchair ends up doubling as an extra table.

8. The most famous person I’ve ever interviewed (for my day job as an entertainment journalist) is Rita Moreno. She proved out to be charming, interesting, and the source of some fantastic quotes.  

9. I’m addicted to Chapstick. I must have a tube within arm’s reach at all times.

10. My head is large enough that I have a miserable time finding hats that fit.

11. I love buying coats and jackets, but I’m so warm all the time that I rarely ever wear them.

Answers to 11 Questions

1. What fictional world would you be most willing to live in?

I know this is cheating, but I’d have to pick the world in my novel “Fairy Godmothers, Inc.” I know all the rules, and my writer’s status would probably give me magic powers.

2. What verbal tic annoys you most?

I have so many verbal tics of my own that it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to take umbrage at anyone else’s.

3. If you could have one cancelled TV show resurrected, which would it be?

This is a tough one, because I have a terrible habit of falling in love with shows that are too quirky to live. A really good one would be “Life,” Damian Lewis’s series that ended in 2009, if only because the season/series finale is one of the most awesome hours of television I’ve ever experienced. I would love to have seen the aftermath of it.

4. If you could have one currently running TV show cancelled, which one would it be?

“Supernatural” on CW. I love the show and absolutely hate it at the same time, and the only way I will ever be completely free of the thing is if it goes off the air.

5. What’s the most surreal thing you’ve ever witnessed experienced?

With my book coming out, one of my co-workers at the newspaper wrote a story about my book that ended up going on my arts page. It was too long for the space, however, so I ended up making significant cuts on a story about me, written by someone else. For a journalist, that’s about one of the strangest experiences you can ever have.

6. What book do you think most urgently needs to be made into a movie that hasn’t been yet?

There should always be more Discworld movies in the world. I would love to see Sam Vimes in the flesh. 

7. What’s the first book that really scared you?

I wasn’t exactly scared, but certain parts of Mary Higgins Clark’s “Loves Music, Loves to Dance” did give me queasy feelings when I was a teenager.

8. What’s the first movie that really scared you?

"Carnosaur." It was the first movie I saw where the good guys lost in the last few minutes (quite horrifically, too). It traumatized me for years. 

9. What do you do to cheer yourself up when you really need it?

Read. Terry Pratchett is particularly good for those moments when I want to completely block out the world. 

10. What’s the strangest question that anyone (other than me) has asked you about your work?

If my book was a meal, what would it be?

11. What’s the answer to it?

I can’t tell you that, or the blogger who asked it will be annoyed that I spoilered her post.

11 New Nominees

 Kimba the Caffinated Book Reviewer

http://www.caffeinatedbookreviewer.com/

Rebecca Enzor

http://rebeccaenzor.com/

Sonia G. Medeiros

http://doingthewritething.wordpress.com/

Dan Levinson

http://www.danlevinsonwriting.com/

Lehua Parker

http://www.lehuaparker.com/

A Diary of a Book Addict

http://adiaryofabookaddict.blogspot.com/

Kindred Dreamheart

http://kindreddreamheart.blogspot.com/ 

Janet Jensen

http://www.janetkayjensen.blogspot.com/

Read, Rinse, Repeat

http://readrinserepeat.blogspot.com/

Kerry-Ann McDade

http://readinglittlebitofeverything.blogspot.com/

Cabin Goddess

http://cabingoddess.com/

11 New Questions

1. If you could be any kind of animal, what would it be?

2. Why would you want to be that animal?

3. Do you have any superstitions (that you’d be willing to share with your blog readers)?

4. What’s your favorite joke?

5. What’s your favorite dessert?

6.  Where’s your dream vacation destination?

7. What would your supervillain name be?

8. What would your supervillain power be?

9. If you had a time machine that would only work for one trip into the past (with a safe return as well), when would you go?

10. What’s your least favorite movie?

11. What movie do you feel is underappreciated?

The Liebster Rules:

1. The Liebster Award is given to bloggers by bloggers.
2. Each blogger should post 11 facts about himself / herself.
3. Each blogger should answer the 11 questions that are asked by the nominating blogger.
4. Choose 11 new bloggers to nominate for the Award and link to them in the post.
5. Create 11 new questions for your nominees.
6. Go back to their pages and tell them they’ve been nominated.
7. No tag backs.

So You Want To Rule The World: The Hiring Process

The perfect scapegoat.

The Hiring Process, or Torture is Optional

Admittedly, going through the HR process is one of the less entertaining parts of beginning one’s evil empire. Some supervillains may be able to gather people around them just on the basis of their charm and savoire-faire. However, it would be wisest to assume that this is not the case for you. Not to be rude about it or anything, but the results of such an assumption about one's self can produce some downright embarrassing results, such as big muscular men laughing at you and slapping you around like a girl. Also, the few, blessed individuals that such an approach does work for are generally to smart to assume such a thing anyway.

Simply conscripting people and forcing them to work for you is also an option, but it is a general rule that anyone makes a better employee if they are being paid. The better you want the employee to be, the more money you should pay them. This of course, doesn't count in cases of brainwashing, but it's not very cost or energy effective to use the practice on a large group of people.

Also, when someone breaks out of brainwashing, they are left with a most distressing urge to kill you, along with any employees you have tried to avoid paying. So hiring them is simply smarter.

In this economy, even a supervillain with very little mayhem to his or her name should have a relatively easy time hiring goons, technical staff, or any other employees needed in your world domination plans. Though you should  be able to access even the most legitimate employee sites, Craigslist may help you find the sort of employees that will be more comfortable with the basic requirements of lawbreaking.

True, this method won’t exactly find you the cream of the crop, but that can be solved by having the candidates meet you at an abandoned office building and having them undergo whatever tests you might find necessary (tell the rejected ones that you were casting for a reality show, and you won’t have to kill them to keep them from talking to the authorities). If they start asking about benefits, tell them you’re a start-up that is currently hiring employees only on a contract basis. Benefits, naturally, are dependent on company successes.

Note: Competitive reality shows, particularly ones such as "Survivor," may also be an interesting location to seek future employees. Though winners should be avoided - they already have money, and will have the kind of egos you don't want in underlings - those the winner has manipulated should be perfect for your purposes. This is especially true if they're muscular and not terribly bright. 

Come here, my pretty….

The Internet is like the ultimate lure and containment trap.

First, you have the lure. Generally, the lure you’d use would depend on what you were hoping to catch – certain fish respond better to certain bait. But the Internet is so massive it has no need to limit itself – there are YouTube clips of idiots falling off high places, endless discussions about esoteric points in obscure sci-fi movies, make-up tutorials, visual homages to Edward Cullen’s supposed magnificence, and cat videos. If you have an interest, someone online has put up a page going into way more detail about it than you ever imagined possible.

Once they have you drawn in, they start to disorient you. Sometimes the initial site can do this – message boards are both great for long conversations that will suck up hours without you realizing it – but the real power is in the links. Like a little trail of electronic breadcrumbs, they lead you deeper and deeper into the maze of websites full of distracting information and shiny pictures. Hours later, you have no memory of what you had initially meant to do or what is going on in the world outside of the computer screen. Worse, you don’t want to leave the magic computer screen, because it’s constantly rewarding you with some new factoid or bright spangly every few clicks. You’re happy in the trap, and wouldn’t leave if you could.

The question is, who’s trapping us? The simple answer is corporations, but your average business executive just isn’t that clever. My vote is our future alien overlords.