A Handbook for Supervillains: The Female Villain

So You Want to Rule the World

The Female Villain Persona, or Yes, Even Evil is Sexist

The unpleasant truth of the matter is that the majority of the world’s most well-respected supervillains are male. If you’re a woman and have an overwhelming pull towards villainry, you’re usually expected to be the girlfriend of some more powerful villain or sleep with the hero before betraying him. Sure, you get great outfits, but that’s not going to win you the kind of respect that say, subjugating a small country would.

Even the best villains fall into this trap. Talia may have been the mastermind in the latest “Dark Knight” movie, but who do we all remember? Yes, Bane. He got to make the dramatic proclamations, while she missed several opportunities for solid evil name recognition by pretending to be a good guy. This, my friend, will not get people quaking in their boots at the mention of your name. After all, branding is just important in villainry as it is in selling shoes.

 (Just a note to keep you from offending someone you shouldn't and having them convince you to apologize with a ray gun -- "villain" is still the politically correct job title for women who choose this profession. In fact, the only term still under evaluation from several joint committees on political correctness is "bad guy."

"Bad girl" was briefly considered as a replacement, but several women's rights activists in the supervillain community attending the meetings felt that the term was derisive to women and still segregated them from their peers. Since they had conveniently armed themselves before arriving, the rest of the group tended to agree with their viewpoint quickly. "Bad person" is a current favorite, though a small but vocal writer's coalition is complaining that it just doesn’t sound as catchy.)

So, my sisters in dastardly deeds, don’t let yourself fall into the “girlfriend” trap. Believe me, there will be ways to trick the hero without sleeping with him, and the other villains will respect you for it far more. If nothing else, get one of your female flunkies to sleep with him while you get to do all the dramatic grandstanding and evil rants that are some of the most solid benefits our profession has to offer. Then, when the hero thinks he’s lured your flunkie over to the good side, have her bring him to you so you can stab him. Or stab them both, and prove you’re above this whole seduction nonsense. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun with it.

Next: No Capes, or Edna Mode Was Right

So You Want to Rule the World: Introduction

So You Want to Rule the World
(or maybe just downtown Manhattan)

- A handbook for supervillains

By Jenniffer Wardell

Introduction

Everyone who has gone through high school knows that, while that point in the educational system is very focused on future career opportunities, there are certain vocations that counselors just aren't willing to cover. Injuring yourself in viral videos, for one thing, or becoming one of those poor costumed creatures you see on street corners.

One of the most ignored professions, however, is that of the supervillain. No class offers the barest hint of instruction to ease a student's way into this well-established but generally unrewarding field. Even counselors are unwilling to mention this field to students when they are trying out various career fields. Whether this is done out of ignorance or outright malice is uncertain, but either way it keeps precious new blood out of the field and causes the profession to stagnate.

The educational system, however, is not the only one to blame for this lack of awareness. No one seems to be willing to guide young supervillains through the challenges and unexpected pitfalls that come with the business, or continue to educate established villains that their skills might remain fresh.

So here it is, the complete guide to being the best supervillain you can possibly be. Whether you are trying to perform your crimes despite the harassment of a fully licensed superhero or a karate master who works as a fry cook in between bouts of rampant heroism, these ideas may actually help you win (or at least look less pathetic as you lose).

Note: For the purposes of this book, the term villain and supervillain will be interchangeable. Technically, there are several differences between the two, with a certain higher scope of evil generally being attributed to supervillains, as well as a tragic fondness for unfortunately-colored spandex. But the strict use of the word supervillain might be somewhat off-putting to certain suit-wearing evil individuals who have as much potential for a grand power play as their more gaily costumed brethren (also, I fear their lawyers). Besides, the word villain doesn't take as long to type.

Next up: Setting Goals, or Small is the New Big

A kid in a grown-up’s body

I don’t think I ever really grew up.

Honestly, who would want to? True, it’s always fun to be able to stay up late, and at first glance the toys of adulthood seem far cooler – speeding along an open road in a real car beats Hot Wheels every time. But when you’re an adult you also have to pay for all your toys, and the sheen of a good imagination is always going to make something more impressive than my bank account could match.

And oh, man, there are some cool kids toys that no longer fit my arm. I saw a little girl with a set of claws that actually had a sword attached. While I restrained myself from asking if I could play with it – like I said, it no longer fit my arm – I really, really wanted to.

Which is why I’m pretty sure I haven’t managed the whole “grown up” thing yet. I hold down a job, yes, but that’s really no scarier than school used to be. And I pay bills, but I was also pretty good at turning in my homework. In exchange I still get to happily go to kids movies without worrying about stealing a child for cover, read comic books without trying to argue that they have socio-political subtext, and take advantage of any and all swings I come across.

Sometimes, there’s even someone on the swing next to me. There are fewer grown-ups out there than most people realize.

The terror and relief of admitting cluelessness

It’s terribly stressful to pretend you know what you’re doing all the time. Not only does it tax a person’s acting skills, which may not be all that great to begin with, but it leaves us without any opportunity to stop, look around, and take a few moments to try and understand the mess we’ve just gotten ourselves into. People who want to look like they know what they’re doing don’t dare slow down, because they’re already supposed to have figured it all out and should be charging ahead getting things done. So you barrel on, panicked because you can’t admit to anyone that you don’t have the slightest idea what’s happening.

It’s infinitely easier, I’ve found, to be able to admit to being completely clueless on occasion. Most people will respond at least reasonably well to comments like “I’m embarrassingly lost. Can you please tell me how to get to [insert name of wherever it is here]?” or “This exploded and I don’t know what happened. Please fix it.” I’ve never asked them, but I believe that most people are kind in these circumstances because they hope that someone else will be if they ever need to admit cluelessness.

Doing so can make you feel more than a little vulnerable – high school flashbacks, I think – and there are times it can be downright scary. But it can also be such a relief to stop, give someone else the steering wheel for just a few moments, and figure out how to get back to that patch of road you know so much better than you do this one.